The handshake. The warm greeting. “It’s good to see you.” The single invitation to have lunch.

What do all these have in common? They are all the typical first experiences of a visitor to an American church.

I’ve been in the visitor’s shoes many a time at a church, and I know from experience that these responses are standard. If there were a standard church user guide for how to treat newcomers, the above responses would probably be the top suggestions.

In one sense these ways of receiving visitors are harmless. After all, nobody wants to be treated like a tolerated guest—or even worse, to be sneered at—when visiting a place where God’s love is supposed to be displayed to all. Nevertheless, over the years I have realized that these greetings are like digging a foundation but leaving it incomplete. If the foundation is left unfinished, one has to wonder how serious the builders were to begin with.

At a church of which I used to be a member recently, during every service the pastor asked everyone to “turn around and greet someone near you” or something to that effect. Without fail, every person present would turn around and shake the hand of someone and greet him or her. On one particular Sunday, everyone complied as usual—everyone except me, that is. I decided to stay seated at the back of the church without reaching out to anyone. Why? Because I didn’t like creating the appearance of relationship without attempting to make it a reality. I’m sure the pastor and congregants meant well, and friendly greetings are, of course, fine; but neglecting to deepen the relationship through edification and encouragement is just plain wrong. God’s word plainly tells us that we meet together as a church to “encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching” (Hebrews 10:25, NIV).

To shake my hand and greet me without making any effort to deepen the relationship beyond these superficial aspects only intensifies loneliness and detachment, tantalizingly holding out a carrot of relationship that is never meant to be grasped.

Another example of this is the greeting so often heard: “It’s good to see you.” At another church that I used to attend, there was one man who said this to me every Sunday just prior to the service—but that was all he said to me! Apparently it was his social ritual, which, I suppose, he felt obligated to perform every week, but if it was so good to see me, why didn’t he ever make any effort to see me at any other times? If it was so good to see me, why did the conversation always end there?

Believers are supposed to have true fellowship with one another based on genuine love. Can this be achieved by a mere handshake or brief greeting? No. It is achieved by mutual edification, speaking into one another’s lives and encouraging each other. It is achieved by showing humility toward one another, each one thinking of everyone else as more important and serving one another.